I'M HOME!!!

After three weeks on a whirlwind tour of Europe, my big comfy bed feels so good. The jetlag is killing me so I'm going to sleep now and update later.

Prom Night

Last night came and went faster than i had ever imagined it would. Due to issues with a friend, I didn't have a date so it was terribly depressing watching all my friends dancing to the slow songs. The food was alright, the prom king and queen were artards that I didn't even know, and the dancefloor was too small so I got stepped on a lot. Overall, it was a fun time. I took oodles of photos with my friends and everyone looked fantastic (which kind of made it impossible to stand out). I danced with pretty much everyone at least once during the night and a few cute guys, too. I guess I was expecting it to be a little bit different, but it probably couldn't have been that incredible based on the budget cuts the city has taken. I still enjoyed myself (:

Writing, Writing, Writing

Okay, I have a good reason why I haven't been updating my blog lately. Now that I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, I've begun writing a little story, just to see how my writing style is compared to other writers. It's not easy writing a story. A lot of people think that writing is easy because you just write what comes to mind, but there is so much more to it than that. There's lots of planning and thinking and brainstorming. After all, there's a big difference between writing what you want to and writing a good piece of literature.

So far, the hardest part is the storyline. My original plan has so many crossouts and notes scrunched in the margins that you probably can't even see what my original plan was. I come up with an idea for what happens next and it conflicts with the other 50 pages that I've already written so I have to go back and change around the details so it corroborates what I just came up with. It's very frustrating, but its liberating at the same time. It feels good to just release what's in my mind and let the ideas flow freely. It's just the organization that's a little off, but that's always been a problem for me.

Every now and then, I might post a few questions, just to get feedback from possible future readers hehe! Sometimes, I need to do a doubletake and consider whether or not something is realistic. I just want the story to flow and be easily understood. Oftentimes, something that sounds so good in my head comes out awkwardly and is very difficult to explain on paper. I can understand it because it's my own thought, but it can be difficult for others to understand when they read it.

Feel free to post a comment to questions I ask. Trust me, you'll be doing me a big favor if you do. I need feedback!!!

Finally, I Know What I Really Want

As a typical junior in highschool, the time has come for me to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life. It's such a big step, hopefully not too big for me to handle. I want to be so many things, I have so many interests and things that make me happy, but I just don't want to make a mistake in judgement and spend my life doing something that I don't enjoy. I know that a lot of people change their majors in college and some become something they didn't expect or want to become, but I really don't want to go through this in the dark. I want to be absolutely sure. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. The one thing that I think I could spend the rest of my life doing is writing. I would write all day and all night, if i chose to. I could write about anything I wanted and just let my thoughts and emotions and feelings and everything that my mind contains flow out and synchronize on paper (or on screen. Typing is probably a smart choice.). It feels so free when I write, so easy and effortless. I don't know if I'm a good writer or not, but I don't care. I probably should care, since one day the sales of my books will support me, but I just don't right now. Maybe someday, I will live in a beautiful house on the shores of the Pacific, sit down in a quiet place in front of a big window that takes up an entire wall so I can gaze at the waves crashing on the beach, and write. Write anything. Write everything. It will be fantastic. You may think it's foolish to dream of this kind of life, but right now, a dream is exactly what I need to get away from this nightmare. My life after college is something that no one can forsee, but I just hope that I make the right decision in being a writer. Let's just hope I have more talents up my sleeve if that dream never becomes a reality.

Alone

This is one of the most boring but at the same time amazing weekends of my life. My parents took my sister to a soccer tournament up in Boston for the weekend and my brother is in New York City, which pretty much gives me free run of the house. It makes me a little nervous to think that I am fully responsible for taking care of the house by myself for two days, but I sort of like it. I like challenges and I guess I could use a dose of independence for a few days. Of course, I have no problem saying that I'm home alone because I have never and will never give information out about myself on the internet. I'm even picky about who I allow on my facebook, which I will also not give anyone. I'm much smarter than that, especially after seeing that commercial with the girl who is given comments all day by complete strangers about tattoos and the color of her underwear and what she'll post next. It was pretty sketchy, but it made a good point. Anyway, I'm alone, very alone. For some reason, it feels good. Maybe it feels good because I can be myself in the one place that I don't have to put up with friends who do nothing but whine all day and text on their stupid iphones. I just sit there and smile politely, but at home, when I'm alone, I can do whatever I want. I can slide around on the floor in socks and a t-shirt and lip sing to my favorite songs that everyone says are stupid and just release the pressures, like letting air out of a balloon that's overinflated. Why do I always feel like I can't be myself around everyone else? Should I trust them to understand? Would my own parents understand? Why do I feel angry all the time at everyone for things that aren't their fault? They have their flaws, but why can't I accept that? Is it because I worry constantly about what other people think? Everyone always tells me that, but their nothing but hypocritical liars because they do nothing but change their image and their styles and tastes and thoughts and feelings into whatever they think will make the best impression on other people. This is so frustrating! I'm sorry if my posts have started getting a little depressing, but everything in my world is being thrown at me so fast and I can't do it all, I just can't. I'm worried about so many things that I can't remember how to relax, which makes me even more stressed. I can't trust my parents, my friends, and all the people in my life. I have yet to meet a person who is unlike the others, someone who would be a true friend to me. I don't want fake friends, not like the ones I'm sorry to say that I have now. They constantly try to use me for whatever they want. people in my french class smile at me and say nice things in hopes that they could cheat off me on the next test. Well, I can't take any more of this. I don't want to talk to my "friends" ever again for what they've done, but I don't want to be friendless. Still, I refuse to be taken advantage of, not anymore. For now, at least, they can't take advantage of me when I'm all alone.

Preparing for the SAT...yuck

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future lately. I'm absolutely ecstatic about going to college. I already have plans for applications, I've visited colleges, I've contacted admission directors of countless universities, and for a while, I thought that I was on the fast track to college. Everything is happening so fast and I've snatched up any opportunity to make the process go faster. All of a sudden, in the fast lane to college, I hit a big stopsign. This stopsign is none other than the SAT's. I decided that it was silly to worry about the SAT's and I quickly forgot about them. Just a few days ago, I went to go see my guidance counselor to make my schedule for next year. All he had to do was mention the fact that the SAT's are super important for getting into a good college and I was already practically in the feetle position. I had not anticipated this fact in my carefully planned college agenda, but once again, I decided that I would take care of the problem by not sweating it, just relax and take a class. As usual, I underestimated the amount of work it will take to improve my scores. I took the PSAT and I thought my scores were pretty good, but I did a quick math problem and found out that the total possible points I could have gotten was 2400. To my dismay, my score was far less than I had hoped. I decided that it was time to get serious about all this SAT stuff, so I signed up for a prep class called "Let's Get Ready" that's run by Wesleyan students. It runs on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for like 3 hours. I'm, apparently, in the group that scored the highest on the God forsaken diagnostic test so I'm with the smartest people in my class. Thank God I know all three of them. Well, it's almost time for the usual torture so I guess I should end this thing before I feel like writing more. I hate the SAT's...with a passion.

Virginia

I have never been so exhausted in my entire life. Yesterday I was yanked out of bed at around 4:00 AM to drag my luggage to the van and embark on a stupid roadtrip to the middle of nowhere in Virginia, of all places. My little sister is on the ODP soccer team (Olympic Development Program) and she has a tournament here in this cold little town. I've had a lot of fun so far and I've had the hotel room to myself for a long time, which is nice for a change. So here I find myself on my laptop in this tiny hotel room. I'm alone and everything is nice and quiet. I have my guitar and a balcony to get fresh air...what more could I ask for? Oddly enough, I want to go home more than I've ever wanted to go home before. I've been here for almost two days and I'm already homesick. Maybe I just hate traveling with my parents. That's probably why the alone time feel so good. I love them to death, but maybe I just really need to get away from them. This is the time when I'm starting to be more independent, I think. I'm mature for a 17 year-old so maybe this is just what it feels like to be out of college and with your parents, but you can't afford to get your own place yet so you're stuck with them. I feel glued to them with that Gorilla Glue stuff that's sticky as hell and I'm struggling to get away from them. It's weird because I still need them, I mean I'm still a minor, not even out of highschool yet. I don't have my license yet or a job and I don't even know what I want to do with the rest of my life yet. Of course I can't go off on my own! I wish I could, I feel like I'm suffocating all the time and I just need to get away, far away where I can live the way I want to live and do what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to pack up my guitar and all my belongings and travel to someplace new, someplace where nobdy knows who I am, where I can start fresh. Maybe someday, but for now, I'm stuck in this hotel room.