Preparing for the SAT...yuck

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future lately. I'm absolutely ecstatic about going to college. I already have plans for applications, I've visited colleges, I've contacted admission directors of countless universities, and for a while, I thought that I was on the fast track to college. Everything is happening so fast and I've snatched up any opportunity to make the process go faster. All of a sudden, in the fast lane to college, I hit a big stopsign. This stopsign is none other than the SAT's. I decided that it was silly to worry about the SAT's and I quickly forgot about them. Just a few days ago, I went to go see my guidance counselor to make my schedule for next year. All he had to do was mention the fact that the SAT's are super important for getting into a good college and I was already practically in the feetle position. I had not anticipated this fact in my carefully planned college agenda, but once again, I decided that I would take care of the problem by not sweating it, just relax and take a class. As usual, I underestimated the amount of work it will take to improve my scores. I took the PSAT and I thought my scores were pretty good, but I did a quick math problem and found out that the total possible points I could have gotten was 2400. To my dismay, my score was far less than I had hoped. I decided that it was time to get serious about all this SAT stuff, so I signed up for a prep class called "Let's Get Ready" that's run by Wesleyan students. It runs on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for like 3 hours. I'm, apparently, in the group that scored the highest on the God forsaken diagnostic test so I'm with the smartest people in my class. Thank God I know all three of them. Well, it's almost time for the usual torture so I guess I should end this thing before I feel like writing more. I hate the SAT's...with a passion.

Virginia

I have never been so exhausted in my entire life. Yesterday I was yanked out of bed at around 4:00 AM to drag my luggage to the van and embark on a stupid roadtrip to the middle of nowhere in Virginia, of all places. My little sister is on the ODP soccer team (Olympic Development Program) and she has a tournament here in this cold little town. I've had a lot of fun so far and I've had the hotel room to myself for a long time, which is nice for a change. So here I find myself on my laptop in this tiny hotel room. I'm alone and everything is nice and quiet. I have my guitar and a balcony to get fresh air...what more could I ask for? Oddly enough, I want to go home more than I've ever wanted to go home before. I've been here for almost two days and I'm already homesick. Maybe I just hate traveling with my parents. That's probably why the alone time feel so good. I love them to death, but maybe I just really need to get away from them. This is the time when I'm starting to be more independent, I think. I'm mature for a 17 year-old so maybe this is just what it feels like to be out of college and with your parents, but you can't afford to get your own place yet so you're stuck with them. I feel glued to them with that Gorilla Glue stuff that's sticky as hell and I'm struggling to get away from them. It's weird because I still need them, I mean I'm still a minor, not even out of highschool yet. I don't have my license yet or a job and I don't even know what I want to do with the rest of my life yet. Of course I can't go off on my own! I wish I could, I feel like I'm suffocating all the time and I just need to get away, far away where I can live the way I want to live and do what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to pack up my guitar and all my belongings and travel to someplace new, someplace where nobdy knows who I am, where I can start fresh. Maybe someday, but for now, I'm stuck in this hotel room.

Thinking...Just Thinking

So today was a pretty boring day at first. I got up at the usual time since my body doesn't seem to give me a say in whether or not I get 1, 2,...6 more hours of sleep. I had a dentist appointment so I got that done and I came home to finish my usual checklist of super fun chores. It wasn't even noon and I had everything done so I decided, for the first time ever, to go up into my room, open the shades of my window, lie down on my bed, close my eyes, and do absolutely nothing but think. Think about anything. Everything. Whatever I felt like thinking about. For the first time in my life, I let my thoughts out of the containment of my mind. I learned things about myself that I apparently knew all my life but forgot about before I even realized I knew them in the first place. I feel overwhelmed but so much better at the same time. Maybe I've been afraid to just think about whatever I felt like because I would not be able to control my thoughts once I just let go, but that's another thing I learned about myself: I can't stand not knowing how I'm thinking these things or why I'm thinking of them. I obviously know what I'm thinking, but I just don't like not having control of my thoughts. If you put some thought into it, you realize that your thoughts and feelings are nothing more than products of complicated brain activity. It really sucks to know that you're thinking these amazing thoughts because it's in your typical human nature and in the nature of your mind, not because you actually have some kind of special free-spirited thought process where you can "be what you want to be" or "think the way you want to think". It really sticks a rainstorm over my parade when science gets in the way of feeling good about my "creative flow" and my "chi", whatever the heck that is. Well, today I had an unwelcome reality check, but if my brain is so fantastical, then I'm going to say,"Screw you, science, let me have my moment to feel special here." If you're as confused by my mental breakthrough as I am, think of it this way. Science describes depression as "a serious mental problem where the person develops symptoms such as, but not limited to, a lack of appetite, weight loss, mood swings, fatigue, or thoughts of suicide caused by changes in lifestyle, loss, sickness, or other changes." Someone like me, who does not look to science for an answer to everything, may look at depression as an emotion, a very deep emotion, in which the person has something terrible and regrettable happen to them and their life is sent down the tubes. Science has a habit of desensitizing things and I think it's not a good way to look at things. It may be an ignorant way to see life, but it's the only way I know how and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. Science had better move those damn stormclouds away from my parade and let the warm sunshine make my days that much happier.

Vacation Vacation Vacation!!!

Woooo! I have to say that vacation is my favorite part of school. My teachers tend to get lazy during the last few days before vacation begins. They know that all of us are antsy and bubbly and excited for our February break so they don't even try to teach us anything new. Instead, they put on a movie and pray to God that it stimulates our minds long enough for us to be out of their hands and onto the bus home for the next week. Some teachers, like my Polish chemistry teacher who thinks American kids are not challenged enough and hates kids (so her career choice makes a lot of sense), will squeeze tests and quizzes into our last few days before temporary freedom. There are also teachers who assign rather large, lengthy, and tedious projects into our single week of what is supposed to consist of sleeping until noon and hanging out with friends. I have a research paper, an english project, and a lab report all due when I get back to school along with a hefty set of tests and exams. I'm not complaining about the amount of homework or anything, but I think someone needs to clue them in on the concept of a "Vacation."