Saying Goodbye

Last night was a very sad and strange one. My best friend came over for a sleep over, just one last stretch of time together before I get shipped off to the University of Connecticut next Friday.

Things have been strained for a while, a sort of tension exists that neither of us has been quite able to put a finger on. For the past couple of years, we've been fighting and arguing over this and that. Looking back, they seemed like pretty serious things at the time. We're alike in the fact that neither of us takes the little things too seriously, but we're also very different in our views of devotion and importance of friends in life. To me, friends are the best things in life. Of my friends, I expect very little in the way of time spent together. I don't want them to strain themselves to make things work, I mean it should be easy if you're meant to be friends with someone.

I'm not sure exactly what my best friend's philosophy on friendship is, but I've been trying to find out. She's just so casual about it, even when it's obvious that friendship is most important to me because it's all I've ever really had. I guess she doesn't really get that, and that's okay. I understand. I realize that now, and I can see that I wasn't being sensitive to the fact that she was honestly trying to understand how I think and feel. At the same time, I wish she had tried a little harder. I admit that I wasn't making it easy for her by shutting her out and pushing her away. That's just me, I tend to do that. I'm sorry for being that way, but it's what I apparently think needs to be done. I guess I really screwed this one up. I should have told her everything sooner.

The evening was awkward. I know for a fact that such a thing should never happen when around someone you regard as your best friend. We just didn't talk much at all, which is unusual for the both of us. When we used to be together, we simply couldn't be separated. We were two peas in a pod, best buddies, compadres. I guess the fun wore off and now all that's left is the seriousness and the damage I've done. While texting each other and planning what we would do, which I hate because I like to speak to my friends face to face in the flesh, we came up with so many brilliant ideas. We were having fun just planning everything, talking and enjoying each other's attention. It was a few nights before.

As soon as she came here for our last sleepover together for a long time, she was very quiet. I couldn't understand it, it was just all so awkward and weird. We went to bed early, only two in the morning. This wouldn't have been so strange if we had done more with our evening. We went to see a movie, we came back to my house, we watched TV, we looked through some old pictures we drew when we were in the same study hall as high school freshmen, and we went to bed. I don't know what to think or feel. Should I be disappointed in myself for perhaps not suggesting more for us to do together to get things moving more smoothly? Should I be okay with what we actually managed to do because in the end we still spent quality time together? Should I be worried about the strange awkwardness that hung over us? Should I blame the fact that our friendship has been warped and twisted into something just all wrong because for a long time we've only communicated electronically? I don't blame her, that's for sure. We've both been busy, and I really do understand how hard it is to correctly balance things in your life to accommodate everything. Still, it worries me. I don't feel like I can talk to her anymore. It's like I've ruined things so much that I don't think things will ever be normal again. I'm always so afraid of saying something to her that I shouldn't. I don't want to lose her. Sometimes it feels like I lost her a long time ago.

She's gone now. She left a little while ago. I still have a week to make things right. I guess I can only hope that we work things out and come to an understanding. That's my only hope. One Week. Dammit.

pulled a fast one

Well, somehow me and my former friend are close again. I don't know what happened and I don't know why, but I think I've got a pretty good idea. I had just finished erasing her completely from my life. I took down the photos of us, the pictures and doodles from school we'd made over the years, anything that reminded me of our friendship. I erased her from my phone, since she wasn't calling me or texting me anymore anyways. I erased the wacky photos and all the fun text messages she used to send me.

She was gone, and it felt oh so good so just stop worrying about it for the first time in such a long time. It had been a few weeks without even looking at her because I purposely pretended like she wasn't even there when I walked by her in the halls at school. It was my message to her to stay away from me, if she chose to take it that way, because as soon as she was no longer out of my line of vision, she was gone again and my new path of thought that no longer included her was restored.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she texts me one night and says that she can't take it and that she's worried about me. I got mad, no, furious. How dare her to say something like that after 3 weeks of silence. How dare her to blindly question the purpose of my ignoring her. I told her, very calmly, that I no longer wanted to be her friend and to never speak to me again. She continued on, trying to shift the blame of the matter onto my depression. I simply couldn't understand how she couldn't see that erasing her from my life is what made me better. Ignoring her was something wrong to her because it was different from the norm. She didn't even notice how much our friendship meant to me until I broke the bond. She had the nerve to blame it on all on me. She was the cause of my pain. I tried, I really did, but nothing was good enough to keep our friendship together.

For reasons that I am unsure of, we are friends again. It's frustrating because the whole matter is so incredibly complicated. The part that really bothers me is the fact that nothing has changed. She's coming over on New Year's Eve for a sleepover so I guess I'll see how things progress from there. I love her to death, but this whole thing has opened my eyes. I see now that the most important part in a friendship is fairness. I was as fair to her as I could ever possibly be, but I wasn't being fair to myself. So, because of this, I have come up with a little statement to remind myself of whenever, if ever, I have any doubt about our friendship, and it goes a little something like this:

She is my best friend and she means a lot to me. However, she is not the most important thing in my life. It's my life and I will do what I want with it. She cannot ever change that. I will be the best friend to her that I can be, but I will do it carefully. Earning back my trust will take her the rest of however long our friendship lasts. I will forgive her, but I will never, ever forget. If I feel for one moment that she is hurting me, I will forget her like I did before. If I feel for one moment that our friendship is destroying me like before, then I will never speak to her again. I will give no more second chances. I am so much better than that. She will not deceive me. She will not pull another fast one on me ever again. She is sneaky about her guilt, but I've found her out. She will never get to me ever again. I will remember this, even though our friendship will n ever be the same ever again. This is my final, permanent, and irrevocable decision on the matter.

Battling Lonliness

For a long time, I was a really shy person. I have a lot of friends, but I don't really know many of them very well. I have a best friend and I've known her for only four years, but I feel like I've known her my whole life. She kind of completes me, as silly as that sounds. She knows things about me that no one else knows and secrets that I wouldn't dream of telling to anyone else. Whenever I'm lonely or depressed, she's always there to disrupt the silence, to fill the void. I'd do anything for her, absolutely anything. Sometimes it's even like we're meant to be friends, like God planned for us to find each other in this life and pull each other from the darkness we had been hiding in our whole lives.

She means the world to me, but lately it seems like our friendship is fading. I'm still struggling to have a place in her life, but her new boyfriend seems to be the only thing she cares about now. It's like she has no more room for me anymore. She's my best friend and I love her so much like my own sister, but I feel abandoned. Eventually I became angry at her for blatantly ignoring me, so I haven't spoken to her unless she speaks to me first. At the Thanksgiving Day football game yesterday for my school, she wanted me to go sit in the stands with her and her boyfriend. Naturally, given the circumstances and how I feel about her right now, I just smiled quickly and kept walking past. I didn't speak to her at all, not one word. I can tell that she knows something's wrong.

The really funny thing is that she thinks sending me a message on facebook saying that we should hang out sometime and that she misses me is enough to make me get over the fact that she's completely shut me out, disregarded our friendship. Honestly, she misses me?! How is it normal for best friends to miss each other? Shouldn't best friends remain forever? And she thinks we should hang out?! What is wrong with her? If she really wanted to hang out with me, she would have taken the multiple opportunities that I've practically handed to her on a platter. Instead she gave excuses. I can understand when she's genuinely busy, but to blow me off and hang out with her boyfriend like she does every day? That's just cruel.

The worst part about all this is the fact that I'm now losing the one person I trust the most. It's painful, really, and sometimes I even cry about it when I think of her. I don't know what to do. If she doesn't want to be my friend anymore then I should just let her go, but it hurts too much to forget about her. Forgetting about her hurts just as much as remembering her and trying to recover what little friendship is left between us. The lonliness hurts like hell, like she stabbed me in the back without knowing it or even trying. I've tried hanging out with other friends I have, but it's just not the same. Nothing comes close to the bond we shared. Now it's gone and I'm lonely again.

anywhere but here

Once again, I'm cornered in my room. My sister is downstairs doing whatever with her friend, my parents are downstairs chatting with our guests. It's the only place I can be alone, and that's really all I want. I wish everyone would leave me alone. Tonight is just not a good night for me, but I suppose I have a bit of a confession to make. I've wanted to tell this to someone for the longest time, but I've never felt comfortable enough with anyone to tell them the truth. Well, here it is.

For a long time now, I haven't been myself. In truth, I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much and I feel like I've been running in circles for my whole life, like suddenly I realize there's something out there worthwhile for me, a life that actually permits me to be happy. I am not happy. I wish I were and I wish I could stop pretending that I were happy, but I can't, I won't.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions all at once. I want to feel loved and cared for, to be given affection and attention. At the same time, I want to be left alone, to be by myself. When I'm having a bad night or when I'm depressed, I want someone to care and be there to tell me it's going to be alright, but at the same time, I want to be left alone. I don't want to be seen as I am, as a miserably depressed teenager who has no more self respect or confidence left in her. I want to be seen as strong, somone others look up to and admire, but how can I do that when that's not how I really feel? Well I can, but it's tearing me apart. No one wants to be around someone who wants to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry. If everyone saw that this is who I am, they would abandon me like I've been abandoned so many times before. I don't want to hurt anymore.

For some reason, I feel the need to keep eveything to myself. I don't like it when I'm being watched when I'm on the computer, I don't like people being in my room at all, even just to say hi. I don't like people seeing anything that is even remotely personal to me. I've pushed away tons of friends because I realize now that I refuse to let them get close to me. Even if I had a friend that I could tell anything to, I wouldn't say a word. I don't think I know of anyone who has my complete and total trust. I'm paranoid, beyond fixing. I always think about the things people say and assume that they're lying to me. I believe in no one, I have faith in no one, and I trust in no one. I feel misunderstood, but I can't seem to let anyone inside to try and understand. I don't think there's another person out there who could understand. Once someone's inside, they can rip you apart. I've learned that recently with someone I thought was my friend. I guess I was wrong, yet again.

So obviously, something is wrong. I don't know why I feel this way and I have no reason to be as terribly hurt and upset as I do. It could be depression, I could be going out of my mind like that kid in The Catcher in the Rye, and maybe I'm even over stressed and just generally overwhelmed with my life. I think I need help, serious help, but I don't want to tell anyone how bad I feel. It's becoming out of hand, too. I'm angry all the time, I'm losing sleep, I'm tired and worn out, my mood is unpredictable, and I'm becoming very forgetful. All I want is to love and be loved, but I ca't do that when something is happening to me that I can't control. I'm too scared to take the big step and tell someone. I'm frightened, worried, anxious, and a whole mess of other words that are particularly unpleasant. I'm trapped in this house and all I want is to be anywhere but here. Anywhere...

losing everything...

I don't usually blog about extremely personal things, but this is the time to deviate from the norm. I'm scared for a lot of reasons as I've already previously explained, but the hardest of blows has hit me in the face. I'm drifting from my best friend.

We met several years ago during my freshman year in high school. As soon as we started talking, I knew we would be best friends. I felt like I could tell her anything, trust her with my secrets. She was an exceptional person, the most amazing that I'd ever known. We became close, and we've been best friends ever since. It wasn't long ago that the hours we spent on the phone, just to hear each other to make up for time not spent together, became much shorter until they stopped all together. We aren't in the same classes together anymore and I don't see her during the day except in the hallways with her boyfriend.

I don't want our friendship to end, I feel like we're meant to be friends. I just don't know what to do. I don't call her anymore because she never picks up. She didn't even want to see me before I left for Europe. She wasn't even busy, she simply didn't want to come say goodbye. Then she has the nerve to say that she missed me so much while I was gone and that it felt like a part of her was missing. If I was so important to her, why would she bawl her eyes out when her boyfriend left for 8 days and not even tell me goodbye when I was 3600 miles away for 3 weeks?

She doesn't want to spend any time with me, and I'm guessing it's because she doesn't understand how happy it makes me to be with her. She's the best friend I've ever had and I can't stand the thought of losing her, but I feel like I'm just not important to her. Friendships should be the same in both directions, and it's just not. I don't think I could live if she wasn't by my side as the one person I trust, the only one who I thought really cared about me. If she doesn't even care, then who does? I feel like I'm alone, like I have no one. No one cares, no one loves me, no one wants me. I'm lonely, day in and day out. I have other people to talk to, but none of them are really my friends, not in my book. I don't trust them, not like I trusted her.

I don't have the strength to be here when she needs me. I want her to be my best friend forever, like we've always promised each other, but having a best friend means you should never feel lonely or abandoned. Does that mean our whole friendship was a lie? It couldn't have been, the feeling was there, the bond was there...or maybe that's all in my head. Maybe I thought I saw what great friends we were and assumed she felt the same. I guess it was a lie, a beautiful lie. It felt so good to know that someone cared about me and loved me. It wasn't true, but it felt nice. It's a feeling I probably won't ever feel again. I don't want it to end, but I don't know what to do.

I'm losing my best friend, and she meant so much to me. I can't do this any more, I just can't. I can't take this feeling, she's been in my head for months. I want her to stay, but I want her to go. She's hurting me, but I don't want the pain to end if it means we can remain friends.

HILARIOUS!!!

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A Promise

A friend to you, I will be true
as grass is green and skies are blue.
And when the day turns into night,
our minds are free, our dreams take flight.
We fly through woods among the trees
and over sparkling moonlit seas.

And when but emptiness is found,
I'll take you back to solid ground.
And when there's no more ground at all,
I'll come to catch you when you fall.
With understanding, not disdain,
we have and always will remain.