pulled a fast one

Well, somehow me and my former friend are close again. I don't know what happened and I don't know why, but I think I've got a pretty good idea. I had just finished erasing her completely from my life. I took down the photos of us, the pictures and doodles from school we'd made over the years, anything that reminded me of our friendship. I erased her from my phone, since she wasn't calling me or texting me anymore anyways. I erased the wacky photos and all the fun text messages she used to send me.

She was gone, and it felt oh so good so just stop worrying about it for the first time in such a long time. It had been a few weeks without even looking at her because I purposely pretended like she wasn't even there when I walked by her in the halls at school. It was my message to her to stay away from me, if she chose to take it that way, because as soon as she was no longer out of my line of vision, she was gone again and my new path of thought that no longer included her was restored.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she texts me one night and says that she can't take it and that she's worried about me. I got mad, no, furious. How dare her to say something like that after 3 weeks of silence. How dare her to blindly question the purpose of my ignoring her. I told her, very calmly, that I no longer wanted to be her friend and to never speak to me again. She continued on, trying to shift the blame of the matter onto my depression. I simply couldn't understand how she couldn't see that erasing her from my life is what made me better. Ignoring her was something wrong to her because it was different from the norm. She didn't even notice how much our friendship meant to me until I broke the bond. She had the nerve to blame it on all on me. She was the cause of my pain. I tried, I really did, but nothing was good enough to keep our friendship together.

For reasons that I am unsure of, we are friends again. It's frustrating because the whole matter is so incredibly complicated. The part that really bothers me is the fact that nothing has changed. She's coming over on New Year's Eve for a sleepover so I guess I'll see how things progress from there. I love her to death, but this whole thing has opened my eyes. I see now that the most important part in a friendship is fairness. I was as fair to her as I could ever possibly be, but I wasn't being fair to myself. So, because of this, I have come up with a little statement to remind myself of whenever, if ever, I have any doubt about our friendship, and it goes a little something like this:

She is my best friend and she means a lot to me. However, she is not the most important thing in my life. It's my life and I will do what I want with it. She cannot ever change that. I will be the best friend to her that I can be, but I will do it carefully. Earning back my trust will take her the rest of however long our friendship lasts. I will forgive her, but I will never, ever forget. If I feel for one moment that she is hurting me, I will forget her like I did before. If I feel for one moment that our friendship is destroying me like before, then I will never speak to her again. I will give no more second chances. I am so much better than that. She will not deceive me. She will not pull another fast one on me ever again. She is sneaky about her guilt, but I've found her out. She will never get to me ever again. I will remember this, even though our friendship will n ever be the same ever again. This is my final, permanent, and irrevocable decision on the matter.