losing everything...

I don't usually blog about extremely personal things, but this is the time to deviate from the norm. I'm scared for a lot of reasons as I've already previously explained, but the hardest of blows has hit me in the face. I'm drifting from my best friend.

We met several years ago during my freshman year in high school. As soon as we started talking, I knew we would be best friends. I felt like I could tell her anything, trust her with my secrets. She was an exceptional person, the most amazing that I'd ever known. We became close, and we've been best friends ever since. It wasn't long ago that the hours we spent on the phone, just to hear each other to make up for time not spent together, became much shorter until they stopped all together. We aren't in the same classes together anymore and I don't see her during the day except in the hallways with her boyfriend.

I don't want our friendship to end, I feel like we're meant to be friends. I just don't know what to do. I don't call her anymore because she never picks up. She didn't even want to see me before I left for Europe. She wasn't even busy, she simply didn't want to come say goodbye. Then she has the nerve to say that she missed me so much while I was gone and that it felt like a part of her was missing. If I was so important to her, why would she bawl her eyes out when her boyfriend left for 8 days and not even tell me goodbye when I was 3600 miles away for 3 weeks?

She doesn't want to spend any time with me, and I'm guessing it's because she doesn't understand how happy it makes me to be with her. She's the best friend I've ever had and I can't stand the thought of losing her, but I feel like I'm just not important to her. Friendships should be the same in both directions, and it's just not. I don't think I could live if she wasn't by my side as the one person I trust, the only one who I thought really cared about me. If she doesn't even care, then who does? I feel like I'm alone, like I have no one. No one cares, no one loves me, no one wants me. I'm lonely, day in and day out. I have other people to talk to, but none of them are really my friends, not in my book. I don't trust them, not like I trusted her.

I don't have the strength to be here when she needs me. I want her to be my best friend forever, like we've always promised each other, but having a best friend means you should never feel lonely or abandoned. Does that mean our whole friendship was a lie? It couldn't have been, the feeling was there, the bond was there...or maybe that's all in my head. Maybe I thought I saw what great friends we were and assumed she felt the same. I guess it was a lie, a beautiful lie. It felt so good to know that someone cared about me and loved me. It wasn't true, but it felt nice. It's a feeling I probably won't ever feel again. I don't want it to end, but I don't know what to do.

I'm losing my best friend, and she meant so much to me. I can't do this any more, I just can't. I can't take this feeling, she's been in my head for months. I want her to stay, but I want her to go. She's hurting me, but I don't want the pain to end if it means we can remain friends.