Thinking...Just Thinking

So today was a pretty boring day at first. I got up at the usual time since my body doesn't seem to give me a say in whether or not I get 1, 2,...6 more hours of sleep. I had a dentist appointment so I got that done and I came home to finish my usual checklist of super fun chores. It wasn't even noon and I had everything done so I decided, for the first time ever, to go up into my room, open the shades of my window, lie down on my bed, close my eyes, and do absolutely nothing but think. Think about anything. Everything. Whatever I felt like thinking about. For the first time in my life, I let my thoughts out of the containment of my mind. I learned things about myself that I apparently knew all my life but forgot about before I even realized I knew them in the first place. I feel overwhelmed but so much better at the same time. Maybe I've been afraid to just think about whatever I felt like because I would not be able to control my thoughts once I just let go, but that's another thing I learned about myself: I can't stand not knowing how I'm thinking these things or why I'm thinking of them. I obviously know what I'm thinking, but I just don't like not having control of my thoughts. If you put some thought into it, you realize that your thoughts and feelings are nothing more than products of complicated brain activity. It really sucks to know that you're thinking these amazing thoughts because it's in your typical human nature and in the nature of your mind, not because you actually have some kind of special free-spirited thought process where you can "be what you want to be" or "think the way you want to think". It really sticks a rainstorm over my parade when science gets in the way of feeling good about my "creative flow" and my "chi", whatever the heck that is. Well, today I had an unwelcome reality check, but if my brain is so fantastical, then I'm going to say,"Screw you, science, let me have my moment to feel special here." If you're as confused by my mental breakthrough as I am, think of it this way. Science describes depression as "a serious mental problem where the person develops symptoms such as, but not limited to, a lack of appetite, weight loss, mood swings, fatigue, or thoughts of suicide caused by changes in lifestyle, loss, sickness, or other changes." Someone like me, who does not look to science for an answer to everything, may look at depression as an emotion, a very deep emotion, in which the person has something terrible and regrettable happen to them and their life is sent down the tubes. Science has a habit of desensitizing things and I think it's not a good way to look at things. It may be an ignorant way to see life, but it's the only way I know how and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. Science had better move those damn stormclouds away from my parade and let the warm sunshine make my days that much happier.