Finally, I Know What I Really Want

As a typical junior in highschool, the time has come for me to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life. It's such a big step, hopefully not too big for me to handle. I want to be so many things, I have so many interests and things that make me happy, but I just don't want to make a mistake in judgement and spend my life doing something that I don't enjoy. I know that a lot of people change their majors in college and some become something they didn't expect or want to become, but I really don't want to go through this in the dark. I want to be absolutely sure. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. The one thing that I think I could spend the rest of my life doing is writing. I would write all day and all night, if i chose to. I could write about anything I wanted and just let my thoughts and emotions and feelings and everything that my mind contains flow out and synchronize on paper (or on screen. Typing is probably a smart choice.). It feels so free when I write, so easy and effortless. I don't know if I'm a good writer or not, but I don't care. I probably should care, since one day the sales of my books will support me, but I just don't right now. Maybe someday, I will live in a beautiful house on the shores of the Pacific, sit down in a quiet place in front of a big window that takes up an entire wall so I can gaze at the waves crashing on the beach, and write. Write anything. Write everything. It will be fantastic. You may think it's foolish to dream of this kind of life, but right now, a dream is exactly what I need to get away from this nightmare. My life after college is something that no one can forsee, but I just hope that I make the right decision in being a writer. Let's just hope I have more talents up my sleeve if that dream never becomes a reality.

Alone

This is one of the most boring but at the same time amazing weekends of my life. My parents took my sister to a soccer tournament up in Boston for the weekend and my brother is in New York City, which pretty much gives me free run of the house. It makes me a little nervous to think that I am fully responsible for taking care of the house by myself for two days, but I sort of like it. I like challenges and I guess I could use a dose of independence for a few days. Of course, I have no problem saying that I'm home alone because I have never and will never give information out about myself on the internet. I'm even picky about who I allow on my facebook, which I will also not give anyone. I'm much smarter than that, especially after seeing that commercial with the girl who is given comments all day by complete strangers about tattoos and the color of her underwear and what she'll post next. It was pretty sketchy, but it made a good point. Anyway, I'm alone, very alone. For some reason, it feels good. Maybe it feels good because I can be myself in the one place that I don't have to put up with friends who do nothing but whine all day and text on their stupid iphones. I just sit there and smile politely, but at home, when I'm alone, I can do whatever I want. I can slide around on the floor in socks and a t-shirt and lip sing to my favorite songs that everyone says are stupid and just release the pressures, like letting air out of a balloon that's overinflated. Why do I always feel like I can't be myself around everyone else? Should I trust them to understand? Would my own parents understand? Why do I feel angry all the time at everyone for things that aren't their fault? They have their flaws, but why can't I accept that? Is it because I worry constantly about what other people think? Everyone always tells me that, but their nothing but hypocritical liars because they do nothing but change their image and their styles and tastes and thoughts and feelings into whatever they think will make the best impression on other people. This is so frustrating! I'm sorry if my posts have started getting a little depressing, but everything in my world is being thrown at me so fast and I can't do it all, I just can't. I'm worried about so many things that I can't remember how to relax, which makes me even more stressed. I can't trust my parents, my friends, and all the people in my life. I have yet to meet a person who is unlike the others, someone who would be a true friend to me. I don't want fake friends, not like the ones I'm sorry to say that I have now. They constantly try to use me for whatever they want. people in my french class smile at me and say nice things in hopes that they could cheat off me on the next test. Well, I can't take any more of this. I don't want to talk to my "friends" ever again for what they've done, but I don't want to be friendless. Still, I refuse to be taken advantage of, not anymore. For now, at least, they can't take advantage of me when I'm all alone.