anywhere but here

Once again, I'm cornered in my room. My sister is downstairs doing whatever with her friend, my parents are downstairs chatting with our guests. It's the only place I can be alone, and that's really all I want. I wish everyone would leave me alone. Tonight is just not a good night for me, but I suppose I have a bit of a confession to make. I've wanted to tell this to someone for the longest time, but I've never felt comfortable enough with anyone to tell them the truth. Well, here it is.

For a long time now, I haven't been myself. In truth, I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much and I feel like I've been running in circles for my whole life, like suddenly I realize there's something out there worthwhile for me, a life that actually permits me to be happy. I am not happy. I wish I were and I wish I could stop pretending that I were happy, but I can't, I won't.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions all at once. I want to feel loved and cared for, to be given affection and attention. At the same time, I want to be left alone, to be by myself. When I'm having a bad night or when I'm depressed, I want someone to care and be there to tell me it's going to be alright, but at the same time, I want to be left alone. I don't want to be seen as I am, as a miserably depressed teenager who has no more self respect or confidence left in her. I want to be seen as strong, somone others look up to and admire, but how can I do that when that's not how I really feel? Well I can, but it's tearing me apart. No one wants to be around someone who wants to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry. If everyone saw that this is who I am, they would abandon me like I've been abandoned so many times before. I don't want to hurt anymore.

For some reason, I feel the need to keep eveything to myself. I don't like it when I'm being watched when I'm on the computer, I don't like people being in my room at all, even just to say hi. I don't like people seeing anything that is even remotely personal to me. I've pushed away tons of friends because I realize now that I refuse to let them get close to me. Even if I had a friend that I could tell anything to, I wouldn't say a word. I don't think I know of anyone who has my complete and total trust. I'm paranoid, beyond fixing. I always think about the things people say and assume that they're lying to me. I believe in no one, I have faith in no one, and I trust in no one. I feel misunderstood, but I can't seem to let anyone inside to try and understand. I don't think there's another person out there who could understand. Once someone's inside, they can rip you apart. I've learned that recently with someone I thought was my friend. I guess I was wrong, yet again.

So obviously, something is wrong. I don't know why I feel this way and I have no reason to be as terribly hurt and upset as I do. It could be depression, I could be going out of my mind like that kid in The Catcher in the Rye, and maybe I'm even over stressed and just generally overwhelmed with my life. I think I need help, serious help, but I don't want to tell anyone how bad I feel. It's becoming out of hand, too. I'm angry all the time, I'm losing sleep, I'm tired and worn out, my mood is unpredictable, and I'm becoming very forgetful. All I want is to love and be loved, but I ca't do that when something is happening to me that I can't control. I'm too scared to take the big step and tell someone. I'm frightened, worried, anxious, and a whole mess of other words that are particularly unpleasant. I'm trapped in this house and all I want is to be anywhere but here. Anywhere...

losing everything...

I don't usually blog about extremely personal things, but this is the time to deviate from the norm. I'm scared for a lot of reasons as I've already previously explained, but the hardest of blows has hit me in the face. I'm drifting from my best friend.

We met several years ago during my freshman year in high school. As soon as we started talking, I knew we would be best friends. I felt like I could tell her anything, trust her with my secrets. She was an exceptional person, the most amazing that I'd ever known. We became close, and we've been best friends ever since. It wasn't long ago that the hours we spent on the phone, just to hear each other to make up for time not spent together, became much shorter until they stopped all together. We aren't in the same classes together anymore and I don't see her during the day except in the hallways with her boyfriend.

I don't want our friendship to end, I feel like we're meant to be friends. I just don't know what to do. I don't call her anymore because she never picks up. She didn't even want to see me before I left for Europe. She wasn't even busy, she simply didn't want to come say goodbye. Then she has the nerve to say that she missed me so much while I was gone and that it felt like a part of her was missing. If I was so important to her, why would she bawl her eyes out when her boyfriend left for 8 days and not even tell me goodbye when I was 3600 miles away for 3 weeks?

She doesn't want to spend any time with me, and I'm guessing it's because she doesn't understand how happy it makes me to be with her. She's the best friend I've ever had and I can't stand the thought of losing her, but I feel like I'm just not important to her. Friendships should be the same in both directions, and it's just not. I don't think I could live if she wasn't by my side as the one person I trust, the only one who I thought really cared about me. If she doesn't even care, then who does? I feel like I'm alone, like I have no one. No one cares, no one loves me, no one wants me. I'm lonely, day in and day out. I have other people to talk to, but none of them are really my friends, not in my book. I don't trust them, not like I trusted her.

I don't have the strength to be here when she needs me. I want her to be my best friend forever, like we've always promised each other, but having a best friend means you should never feel lonely or abandoned. Does that mean our whole friendship was a lie? It couldn't have been, the feeling was there, the bond was there...or maybe that's all in my head. Maybe I thought I saw what great friends we were and assumed she felt the same. I guess it was a lie, a beautiful lie. It felt so good to know that someone cared about me and loved me. It wasn't true, but it felt nice. It's a feeling I probably won't ever feel again. I don't want it to end, but I don't know what to do.

I'm losing my best friend, and she meant so much to me. I can't do this any more, I just can't. I can't take this feeling, she's been in my head for months. I want her to stay, but I want her to go. She's hurting me, but I don't want the pain to end if it means we can remain friends.

HILARIOUS!!!

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A Promise

A friend to you, I will be true
as grass is green and skies are blue.
And when the day turns into night,
our minds are free, our dreams take flight.
We fly through woods among the trees
and over sparkling moonlit seas.

And when but emptiness is found,
I'll take you back to solid ground.
And when there's no more ground at all,
I'll come to catch you when you fall.
With understanding, not disdain,
we have and always will remain.