anywhere but here

Once again, I'm cornered in my room. My sister is downstairs doing whatever with her friend, my parents are downstairs chatting with our guests. It's the only place I can be alone, and that's really all I want. I wish everyone would leave me alone. Tonight is just not a good night for me, but I suppose I have a bit of a confession to make. I've wanted to tell this to someone for the longest time, but I've never felt comfortable enough with anyone to tell them the truth. Well, here it is.

For a long time now, I haven't been myself. In truth, I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much and I feel like I've been running in circles for my whole life, like suddenly I realize there's something out there worthwhile for me, a life that actually permits me to be happy. I am not happy. I wish I were and I wish I could stop pretending that I were happy, but I can't, I won't.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions all at once. I want to feel loved and cared for, to be given affection and attention. At the same time, I want to be left alone, to be by myself. When I'm having a bad night or when I'm depressed, I want someone to care and be there to tell me it's going to be alright, but at the same time, I want to be left alone. I don't want to be seen as I am, as a miserably depressed teenager who has no more self respect or confidence left in her. I want to be seen as strong, somone others look up to and admire, but how can I do that when that's not how I really feel? Well I can, but it's tearing me apart. No one wants to be around someone who wants to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry. If everyone saw that this is who I am, they would abandon me like I've been abandoned so many times before. I don't want to hurt anymore.

For some reason, I feel the need to keep eveything to myself. I don't like it when I'm being watched when I'm on the computer, I don't like people being in my room at all, even just to say hi. I don't like people seeing anything that is even remotely personal to me. I've pushed away tons of friends because I realize now that I refuse to let them get close to me. Even if I had a friend that I could tell anything to, I wouldn't say a word. I don't think I know of anyone who has my complete and total trust. I'm paranoid, beyond fixing. I always think about the things people say and assume that they're lying to me. I believe in no one, I have faith in no one, and I trust in no one. I feel misunderstood, but I can't seem to let anyone inside to try and understand. I don't think there's another person out there who could understand. Once someone's inside, they can rip you apart. I've learned that recently with someone I thought was my friend. I guess I was wrong, yet again.

So obviously, something is wrong. I don't know why I feel this way and I have no reason to be as terribly hurt and upset as I do. It could be depression, I could be going out of my mind like that kid in The Catcher in the Rye, and maybe I'm even over stressed and just generally overwhelmed with my life. I think I need help, serious help, but I don't want to tell anyone how bad I feel. It's becoming out of hand, too. I'm angry all the time, I'm losing sleep, I'm tired and worn out, my mood is unpredictable, and I'm becoming very forgetful. All I want is to love and be loved, but I ca't do that when something is happening to me that I can't control. I'm too scared to take the big step and tell someone. I'm frightened, worried, anxious, and a whole mess of other words that are particularly unpleasant. I'm trapped in this house and all I want is to be anywhere but here. Anywhere...