pulled a fast one

Well, somehow me and my former friend are close again. I don't know what happened and I don't know why, but I think I've got a pretty good idea. I had just finished erasing her completely from my life. I took down the photos of us, the pictures and doodles from school we'd made over the years, anything that reminded me of our friendship. I erased her from my phone, since she wasn't calling me or texting me anymore anyways. I erased the wacky photos and all the fun text messages she used to send me.

She was gone, and it felt oh so good so just stop worrying about it for the first time in such a long time. It had been a few weeks without even looking at her because I purposely pretended like she wasn't even there when I walked by her in the halls at school. It was my message to her to stay away from me, if she chose to take it that way, because as soon as she was no longer out of my line of vision, she was gone again and my new path of thought that no longer included her was restored.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she texts me one night and says that she can't take it and that she's worried about me. I got mad, no, furious. How dare her to say something like that after 3 weeks of silence. How dare her to blindly question the purpose of my ignoring her. I told her, very calmly, that I no longer wanted to be her friend and to never speak to me again. She continued on, trying to shift the blame of the matter onto my depression. I simply couldn't understand how she couldn't see that erasing her from my life is what made me better. Ignoring her was something wrong to her because it was different from the norm. She didn't even notice how much our friendship meant to me until I broke the bond. She had the nerve to blame it on all on me. She was the cause of my pain. I tried, I really did, but nothing was good enough to keep our friendship together.

For reasons that I am unsure of, we are friends again. It's frustrating because the whole matter is so incredibly complicated. The part that really bothers me is the fact that nothing has changed. She's coming over on New Year's Eve for a sleepover so I guess I'll see how things progress from there. I love her to death, but this whole thing has opened my eyes. I see now that the most important part in a friendship is fairness. I was as fair to her as I could ever possibly be, but I wasn't being fair to myself. So, because of this, I have come up with a little statement to remind myself of whenever, if ever, I have any doubt about our friendship, and it goes a little something like this:

She is my best friend and she means a lot to me. However, she is not the most important thing in my life. It's my life and I will do what I want with it. She cannot ever change that. I will be the best friend to her that I can be, but I will do it carefully. Earning back my trust will take her the rest of however long our friendship lasts. I will forgive her, but I will never, ever forget. If I feel for one moment that she is hurting me, I will forget her like I did before. If I feel for one moment that our friendship is destroying me like before, then I will never speak to her again. I will give no more second chances. I am so much better than that. She will not deceive me. She will not pull another fast one on me ever again. She is sneaky about her guilt, but I've found her out. She will never get to me ever again. I will remember this, even though our friendship will n ever be the same ever again. This is my final, permanent, and irrevocable decision on the matter.

Battling Lonliness

For a long time, I was a really shy person. I have a lot of friends, but I don't really know many of them very well. I have a best friend and I've known her for only four years, but I feel like I've known her my whole life. She kind of completes me, as silly as that sounds. She knows things about me that no one else knows and secrets that I wouldn't dream of telling to anyone else. Whenever I'm lonely or depressed, she's always there to disrupt the silence, to fill the void. I'd do anything for her, absolutely anything. Sometimes it's even like we're meant to be friends, like God planned for us to find each other in this life and pull each other from the darkness we had been hiding in our whole lives.

She means the world to me, but lately it seems like our friendship is fading. I'm still struggling to have a place in her life, but her new boyfriend seems to be the only thing she cares about now. It's like she has no more room for me anymore. She's my best friend and I love her so much like my own sister, but I feel abandoned. Eventually I became angry at her for blatantly ignoring me, so I haven't spoken to her unless she speaks to me first. At the Thanksgiving Day football game yesterday for my school, she wanted me to go sit in the stands with her and her boyfriend. Naturally, given the circumstances and how I feel about her right now, I just smiled quickly and kept walking past. I didn't speak to her at all, not one word. I can tell that she knows something's wrong.

The really funny thing is that she thinks sending me a message on facebook saying that we should hang out sometime and that she misses me is enough to make me get over the fact that she's completely shut me out, disregarded our friendship. Honestly, she misses me?! How is it normal for best friends to miss each other? Shouldn't best friends remain forever? And she thinks we should hang out?! What is wrong with her? If she really wanted to hang out with me, she would have taken the multiple opportunities that I've practically handed to her on a platter. Instead she gave excuses. I can understand when she's genuinely busy, but to blow me off and hang out with her boyfriend like she does every day? That's just cruel.

The worst part about all this is the fact that I'm now losing the one person I trust the most. It's painful, really, and sometimes I even cry about it when I think of her. I don't know what to do. If she doesn't want to be my friend anymore then I should just let her go, but it hurts too much to forget about her. Forgetting about her hurts just as much as remembering her and trying to recover what little friendship is left between us. The lonliness hurts like hell, like she stabbed me in the back without knowing it or even trying. I've tried hanging out with other friends I have, but it's just not the same. Nothing comes close to the bond we shared. Now it's gone and I'm lonely again.

anywhere but here

Once again, I'm cornered in my room. My sister is downstairs doing whatever with her friend, my parents are downstairs chatting with our guests. It's the only place I can be alone, and that's really all I want. I wish everyone would leave me alone. Tonight is just not a good night for me, but I suppose I have a bit of a confession to make. I've wanted to tell this to someone for the longest time, but I've never felt comfortable enough with anyone to tell them the truth. Well, here it is.

For a long time now, I haven't been myself. In truth, I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much and I feel like I've been running in circles for my whole life, like suddenly I realize there's something out there worthwhile for me, a life that actually permits me to be happy. I am not happy. I wish I were and I wish I could stop pretending that I were happy, but I can't, I won't.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions all at once. I want to feel loved and cared for, to be given affection and attention. At the same time, I want to be left alone, to be by myself. When I'm having a bad night or when I'm depressed, I want someone to care and be there to tell me it's going to be alright, but at the same time, I want to be left alone. I don't want to be seen as I am, as a miserably depressed teenager who has no more self respect or confidence left in her. I want to be seen as strong, somone others look up to and admire, but how can I do that when that's not how I really feel? Well I can, but it's tearing me apart. No one wants to be around someone who wants to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry. If everyone saw that this is who I am, they would abandon me like I've been abandoned so many times before. I don't want to hurt anymore.

For some reason, I feel the need to keep eveything to myself. I don't like it when I'm being watched when I'm on the computer, I don't like people being in my room at all, even just to say hi. I don't like people seeing anything that is even remotely personal to me. I've pushed away tons of friends because I realize now that I refuse to let them get close to me. Even if I had a friend that I could tell anything to, I wouldn't say a word. I don't think I know of anyone who has my complete and total trust. I'm paranoid, beyond fixing. I always think about the things people say and assume that they're lying to me. I believe in no one, I have faith in no one, and I trust in no one. I feel misunderstood, but I can't seem to let anyone inside to try and understand. I don't think there's another person out there who could understand. Once someone's inside, they can rip you apart. I've learned that recently with someone I thought was my friend. I guess I was wrong, yet again.

So obviously, something is wrong. I don't know why I feel this way and I have no reason to be as terribly hurt and upset as I do. It could be depression, I could be going out of my mind like that kid in The Catcher in the Rye, and maybe I'm even over stressed and just generally overwhelmed with my life. I think I need help, serious help, but I don't want to tell anyone how bad I feel. It's becoming out of hand, too. I'm angry all the time, I'm losing sleep, I'm tired and worn out, my mood is unpredictable, and I'm becoming very forgetful. All I want is to love and be loved, but I ca't do that when something is happening to me that I can't control. I'm too scared to take the big step and tell someone. I'm frightened, worried, anxious, and a whole mess of other words that are particularly unpleasant. I'm trapped in this house and all I want is to be anywhere but here. Anywhere...

losing everything...

I don't usually blog about extremely personal things, but this is the time to deviate from the norm. I'm scared for a lot of reasons as I've already previously explained, but the hardest of blows has hit me in the face. I'm drifting from my best friend.

We met several years ago during my freshman year in high school. As soon as we started talking, I knew we would be best friends. I felt like I could tell her anything, trust her with my secrets. She was an exceptional person, the most amazing that I'd ever known. We became close, and we've been best friends ever since. It wasn't long ago that the hours we spent on the phone, just to hear each other to make up for time not spent together, became much shorter until they stopped all together. We aren't in the same classes together anymore and I don't see her during the day except in the hallways with her boyfriend.

I don't want our friendship to end, I feel like we're meant to be friends. I just don't know what to do. I don't call her anymore because she never picks up. She didn't even want to see me before I left for Europe. She wasn't even busy, she simply didn't want to come say goodbye. Then she has the nerve to say that she missed me so much while I was gone and that it felt like a part of her was missing. If I was so important to her, why would she bawl her eyes out when her boyfriend left for 8 days and not even tell me goodbye when I was 3600 miles away for 3 weeks?

She doesn't want to spend any time with me, and I'm guessing it's because she doesn't understand how happy it makes me to be with her. She's the best friend I've ever had and I can't stand the thought of losing her, but I feel like I'm just not important to her. Friendships should be the same in both directions, and it's just not. I don't think I could live if she wasn't by my side as the one person I trust, the only one who I thought really cared about me. If she doesn't even care, then who does? I feel like I'm alone, like I have no one. No one cares, no one loves me, no one wants me. I'm lonely, day in and day out. I have other people to talk to, but none of them are really my friends, not in my book. I don't trust them, not like I trusted her.

I don't have the strength to be here when she needs me. I want her to be my best friend forever, like we've always promised each other, but having a best friend means you should never feel lonely or abandoned. Does that mean our whole friendship was a lie? It couldn't have been, the feeling was there, the bond was there...or maybe that's all in my head. Maybe I thought I saw what great friends we were and assumed she felt the same. I guess it was a lie, a beautiful lie. It felt so good to know that someone cared about me and loved me. It wasn't true, but it felt nice. It's a feeling I probably won't ever feel again. I don't want it to end, but I don't know what to do.

I'm losing my best friend, and she meant so much to me. I can't do this any more, I just can't. I can't take this feeling, she's been in my head for months. I want her to stay, but I want her to go. She's hurting me, but I don't want the pain to end if it means we can remain friends.

HILARIOUS!!!

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A Promise

A friend to you, I will be true
as grass is green and skies are blue.
And when the day turns into night,
our minds are free, our dreams take flight.
We fly through woods among the trees
and over sparkling moonlit seas.

And when but emptiness is found,
I'll take you back to solid ground.
And when there's no more ground at all,
I'll come to catch you when you fall.
With understanding, not disdain,
we have and always will remain.

Big Plans

Today I attended my first college visit, and let me tell you, it was busy! Hundreds of perspective students were there, crowding every corner of the university. The open house was at Southern Connecticut State University, or SCSU. I liked it a lot, but it was a little bit small. It supposedly has 12,000 students, but most of them commute I'm sure. I don't want to sound rude, I really don't, but it seemed to me that the kinds of students that go to the school are at much lower standards of learning than me. They seemed nice, really they did, and I saw a few people that I knew, but I know it's simply not the right school for me. My top choice is UConn, but that's a difficult school to get into. My SAT scores are very good so I have a good chance of getting in, but it won't be easy otherwise. I plan to major as an English teacher and minor in French, but the UConn education program is very selective.

All I know for sure about all this college stuff is that it's going to take me forever. I know I've learned one thing from it all, and that's to just get it done. If I leave all of these things until the very last minute, I probably won't get into the colleges I want. I need to make a decision on what I want to do with my life and stick with it. If you don't take control of your life, you're not going to get anywhere. No one is going to hold your hand or do it all for you. It's not going to happen on it's own. It's an unfortunate truth of life that I'm slowly starting to learn, but that's what being an adult is all about. I'm 18 now, I have responsibilities. I have to learn to take care of myself, and it's honestly a bit scary. I'm going to college, and I don't know what's going to happen. What if I fail? What if I can't handle it? What if I don't want to grow up? :(

I'M HOME!!!

After three weeks on a whirlwind tour of Europe, my big comfy bed feels so good. The jetlag is killing me so I'm going to sleep now and update later.

Prom Night

Last night came and went faster than i had ever imagined it would. Due to issues with a friend, I didn't have a date so it was terribly depressing watching all my friends dancing to the slow songs. The food was alright, the prom king and queen were artards that I didn't even know, and the dancefloor was too small so I got stepped on a lot. Overall, it was a fun time. I took oodles of photos with my friends and everyone looked fantastic (which kind of made it impossible to stand out). I danced with pretty much everyone at least once during the night and a few cute guys, too. I guess I was expecting it to be a little bit different, but it probably couldn't have been that incredible based on the budget cuts the city has taken. I still enjoyed myself (:

Writing, Writing, Writing

Okay, I have a good reason why I haven't been updating my blog lately. Now that I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, I've begun writing a little story, just to see how my writing style is compared to other writers. It's not easy writing a story. A lot of people think that writing is easy because you just write what comes to mind, but there is so much more to it than that. There's lots of planning and thinking and brainstorming. After all, there's a big difference between writing what you want to and writing a good piece of literature.

So far, the hardest part is the storyline. My original plan has so many crossouts and notes scrunched in the margins that you probably can't even see what my original plan was. I come up with an idea for what happens next and it conflicts with the other 50 pages that I've already written so I have to go back and change around the details so it corroborates what I just came up with. It's very frustrating, but its liberating at the same time. It feels good to just release what's in my mind and let the ideas flow freely. It's just the organization that's a little off, but that's always been a problem for me.

Every now and then, I might post a few questions, just to get feedback from possible future readers hehe! Sometimes, I need to do a doubletake and consider whether or not something is realistic. I just want the story to flow and be easily understood. Oftentimes, something that sounds so good in my head comes out awkwardly and is very difficult to explain on paper. I can understand it because it's my own thought, but it can be difficult for others to understand when they read it.

Feel free to post a comment to questions I ask. Trust me, you'll be doing me a big favor if you do. I need feedback!!!

Finally, I Know What I Really Want

As a typical junior in highschool, the time has come for me to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life. It's such a big step, hopefully not too big for me to handle. I want to be so many things, I have so many interests and things that make me happy, but I just don't want to make a mistake in judgement and spend my life doing something that I don't enjoy. I know that a lot of people change their majors in college and some become something they didn't expect or want to become, but I really don't want to go through this in the dark. I want to be absolutely sure. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. The one thing that I think I could spend the rest of my life doing is writing. I would write all day and all night, if i chose to. I could write about anything I wanted and just let my thoughts and emotions and feelings and everything that my mind contains flow out and synchronize on paper (or on screen. Typing is probably a smart choice.). It feels so free when I write, so easy and effortless. I don't know if I'm a good writer or not, but I don't care. I probably should care, since one day the sales of my books will support me, but I just don't right now. Maybe someday, I will live in a beautiful house on the shores of the Pacific, sit down in a quiet place in front of a big window that takes up an entire wall so I can gaze at the waves crashing on the beach, and write. Write anything. Write everything. It will be fantastic. You may think it's foolish to dream of this kind of life, but right now, a dream is exactly what I need to get away from this nightmare. My life after college is something that no one can forsee, but I just hope that I make the right decision in being a writer. Let's just hope I have more talents up my sleeve if that dream never becomes a reality.

Alone

This is one of the most boring but at the same time amazing weekends of my life. My parents took my sister to a soccer tournament up in Boston for the weekend and my brother is in New York City, which pretty much gives me free run of the house. It makes me a little nervous to think that I am fully responsible for taking care of the house by myself for two days, but I sort of like it. I like challenges and I guess I could use a dose of independence for a few days. Of course, I have no problem saying that I'm home alone because I have never and will never give information out about myself on the internet. I'm even picky about who I allow on my facebook, which I will also not give anyone. I'm much smarter than that, especially after seeing that commercial with the girl who is given comments all day by complete strangers about tattoos and the color of her underwear and what she'll post next. It was pretty sketchy, but it made a good point. Anyway, I'm alone, very alone. For some reason, it feels good. Maybe it feels good because I can be myself in the one place that I don't have to put up with friends who do nothing but whine all day and text on their stupid iphones. I just sit there and smile politely, but at home, when I'm alone, I can do whatever I want. I can slide around on the floor in socks and a t-shirt and lip sing to my favorite songs that everyone says are stupid and just release the pressures, like letting air out of a balloon that's overinflated. Why do I always feel like I can't be myself around everyone else? Should I trust them to understand? Would my own parents understand? Why do I feel angry all the time at everyone for things that aren't their fault? They have their flaws, but why can't I accept that? Is it because I worry constantly about what other people think? Everyone always tells me that, but their nothing but hypocritical liars because they do nothing but change their image and their styles and tastes and thoughts and feelings into whatever they think will make the best impression on other people. This is so frustrating! I'm sorry if my posts have started getting a little depressing, but everything in my world is being thrown at me so fast and I can't do it all, I just can't. I'm worried about so many things that I can't remember how to relax, which makes me even more stressed. I can't trust my parents, my friends, and all the people in my life. I have yet to meet a person who is unlike the others, someone who would be a true friend to me. I don't want fake friends, not like the ones I'm sorry to say that I have now. They constantly try to use me for whatever they want. people in my french class smile at me and say nice things in hopes that they could cheat off me on the next test. Well, I can't take any more of this. I don't want to talk to my "friends" ever again for what they've done, but I don't want to be friendless. Still, I refuse to be taken advantage of, not anymore. For now, at least, they can't take advantage of me when I'm all alone.

Preparing for the SAT...yuck

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future lately. I'm absolutely ecstatic about going to college. I already have plans for applications, I've visited colleges, I've contacted admission directors of countless universities, and for a while, I thought that I was on the fast track to college. Everything is happening so fast and I've snatched up any opportunity to make the process go faster. All of a sudden, in the fast lane to college, I hit a big stopsign. This stopsign is none other than the SAT's. I decided that it was silly to worry about the SAT's and I quickly forgot about them. Just a few days ago, I went to go see my guidance counselor to make my schedule for next year. All he had to do was mention the fact that the SAT's are super important for getting into a good college and I was already practically in the feetle position. I had not anticipated this fact in my carefully planned college agenda, but once again, I decided that I would take care of the problem by not sweating it, just relax and take a class. As usual, I underestimated the amount of work it will take to improve my scores. I took the PSAT and I thought my scores were pretty good, but I did a quick math problem and found out that the total possible points I could have gotten was 2400. To my dismay, my score was far less than I had hoped. I decided that it was time to get serious about all this SAT stuff, so I signed up for a prep class called "Let's Get Ready" that's run by Wesleyan students. It runs on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for like 3 hours. I'm, apparently, in the group that scored the highest on the God forsaken diagnostic test so I'm with the smartest people in my class. Thank God I know all three of them. Well, it's almost time for the usual torture so I guess I should end this thing before I feel like writing more. I hate the SAT's...with a passion.

Virginia

I have never been so exhausted in my entire life. Yesterday I was yanked out of bed at around 4:00 AM to drag my luggage to the van and embark on a stupid roadtrip to the middle of nowhere in Virginia, of all places. My little sister is on the ODP soccer team (Olympic Development Program) and she has a tournament here in this cold little town. I've had a lot of fun so far and I've had the hotel room to myself for a long time, which is nice for a change. So here I find myself on my laptop in this tiny hotel room. I'm alone and everything is nice and quiet. I have my guitar and a balcony to get fresh air...what more could I ask for? Oddly enough, I want to go home more than I've ever wanted to go home before. I've been here for almost two days and I'm already homesick. Maybe I just hate traveling with my parents. That's probably why the alone time feel so good. I love them to death, but maybe I just really need to get away from them. This is the time when I'm starting to be more independent, I think. I'm mature for a 17 year-old so maybe this is just what it feels like to be out of college and with your parents, but you can't afford to get your own place yet so you're stuck with them. I feel glued to them with that Gorilla Glue stuff that's sticky as hell and I'm struggling to get away from them. It's weird because I still need them, I mean I'm still a minor, not even out of highschool yet. I don't have my license yet or a job and I don't even know what I want to do with the rest of my life yet. Of course I can't go off on my own! I wish I could, I feel like I'm suffocating all the time and I just need to get away, far away where I can live the way I want to live and do what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to pack up my guitar and all my belongings and travel to someplace new, someplace where nobdy knows who I am, where I can start fresh. Maybe someday, but for now, I'm stuck in this hotel room.

Thinking...Just Thinking

So today was a pretty boring day at first. I got up at the usual time since my body doesn't seem to give me a say in whether or not I get 1, 2,...6 more hours of sleep. I had a dentist appointment so I got that done and I came home to finish my usual checklist of super fun chores. It wasn't even noon and I had everything done so I decided, for the first time ever, to go up into my room, open the shades of my window, lie down on my bed, close my eyes, and do absolutely nothing but think. Think about anything. Everything. Whatever I felt like thinking about. For the first time in my life, I let my thoughts out of the containment of my mind. I learned things about myself that I apparently knew all my life but forgot about before I even realized I knew them in the first place. I feel overwhelmed but so much better at the same time. Maybe I've been afraid to just think about whatever I felt like because I would not be able to control my thoughts once I just let go, but that's another thing I learned about myself: I can't stand not knowing how I'm thinking these things or why I'm thinking of them. I obviously know what I'm thinking, but I just don't like not having control of my thoughts. If you put some thought into it, you realize that your thoughts and feelings are nothing more than products of complicated brain activity. It really sucks to know that you're thinking these amazing thoughts because it's in your typical human nature and in the nature of your mind, not because you actually have some kind of special free-spirited thought process where you can "be what you want to be" or "think the way you want to think". It really sticks a rainstorm over my parade when science gets in the way of feeling good about my "creative flow" and my "chi", whatever the heck that is. Well, today I had an unwelcome reality check, but if my brain is so fantastical, then I'm going to say,"Screw you, science, let me have my moment to feel special here." If you're as confused by my mental breakthrough as I am, think of it this way. Science describes depression as "a serious mental problem where the person develops symptoms such as, but not limited to, a lack of appetite, weight loss, mood swings, fatigue, or thoughts of suicide caused by changes in lifestyle, loss, sickness, or other changes." Someone like me, who does not look to science for an answer to everything, may look at depression as an emotion, a very deep emotion, in which the person has something terrible and regrettable happen to them and their life is sent down the tubes. Science has a habit of desensitizing things and I think it's not a good way to look at things. It may be an ignorant way to see life, but it's the only way I know how and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. Science had better move those damn stormclouds away from my parade and let the warm sunshine make my days that much happier.

Vacation Vacation Vacation!!!

Woooo! I have to say that vacation is my favorite part of school. My teachers tend to get lazy during the last few days before vacation begins. They know that all of us are antsy and bubbly and excited for our February break so they don't even try to teach us anything new. Instead, they put on a movie and pray to God that it stimulates our minds long enough for us to be out of their hands and onto the bus home for the next week. Some teachers, like my Polish chemistry teacher who thinks American kids are not challenged enough and hates kids (so her career choice makes a lot of sense), will squeeze tests and quizzes into our last few days before temporary freedom. There are also teachers who assign rather large, lengthy, and tedious projects into our single week of what is supposed to consist of sleeping until noon and hanging out with friends. I have a research paper, an english project, and a lab report all due when I get back to school along with a hefty set of tests and exams. I'm not complaining about the amount of homework or anything, but I think someone needs to clue them in on the concept of a "Vacation."

Preparing for the Time of my Life

A few months ago, I got a letter in the mail from the People to People Organization of Student Ambassadors. I've gotten letters from them in the past, but my family has never been able to afford to send me or my siblings halfway across the world until now. My dad is working more than usual and my mom got a secretary job at my sister's soccer club so she can play for free. I've gone through interviews, driven across the state to meetings, written essay questions and been poked and prodded about many aspects of myself and my character. It's been months, but my patience and tolerance have finally paid off. I am officially enrolled to go on a fabulous trip to visit France, Italy, and Greece. I will be in Europe for 21 days this summer having the time of my life, but I can't help but wonder how in the world I am going to go 3 weeks in a foreign continent with complete strangers. This will be the longest I've ever stayed away from my family, but I am confident that I won't get homesick. I don't know, I think this is just because I just about have a fiesta in my head whenever I hear my parents say that they are taking Rachel to a soccer game and they won't be back for three hours. Of course, the party begins when they leave the house, but that's not the point. I have a feeling that I will be perfectly fine. Who knows, this could be good for me. I'll have a nice little culture shock and a dose of independence while I'm there. I'll be roaming around Paris blurting out french to whoever has a chance of understanding it and I'll hopefully find my way back to the hotel. Oh, and did I mention I'll be staying with a homestay in Italy? Yea, a family will host a homestay in which some kind of neat culture exchange will take place. However, I was informed that this family may not speak a word of english, but I'm not too worried about that. I just want them to learn more about my culture (which consists of football and the bigmack so I have no idea why anyone would want exposure to that) so I can learn more about theirs. It won't be some touristy little trip, it will be a firsthand look at the lives of people from other places who speak different languages and eat different foods and do different things. I think it will bea fascinating experience and I will post pictures about it when I get back.

Penpals

I'd always been fascinated by the concept of exchanging letters and getting to know someone you've never met before in your life. Since last June, I have been talking online with a great number of penpals and exchanging letters with a few of them. I thought it would be nice to dedicate this article to introducing them.

One of my penpals is a girl named Lucile. She is currently 16 years old and she lives in northern France. She is very nice and likes to talk about all sorts of things. She does not speak perfect english, but it's okay because it gives me a chance to practice my french. She says that maybe one summer I could come stay with her and her family. They are very kind and hospitable people so i hope that if I do visit them, that I could perhaps return the favor and let her stay with me here in Connecticut someday. She is very enthusiastic about visiting the U.S. and I would really like to invite her here.

Another of my penpals is a girl who lives in Martinique of the Caribbean Islands. Her name is Sylvia. She is currently 17 years old and she also speaks french as a primary language. Not only is she very friendly, but she also has a beach as her backyard, which makes me totally jealous hehe! She sent me pictures of the beaches of Martinique and I really wish I was in tanning on those beaches sipping a pina colada rather than shut inside my house wrapped in a blanket and doing my stupid algebra homework. She loves to draw so she sends me sketches and pictures all the time.

My last penpal is a girl named Elina who lives in France in a little town near Paris. The most amazing part is that her english is remarkable for her age. She is 14 years old and she is the most friendly person I have ever met. She talks to me as if we were the best of friends, and also as if we have been friends for our entire lives and not just a few months. That is a really great thing to find in a friend and it really shows you that it doesn't matter where you're from or what language you speak, that you can be from the other side of the world and still be an amazing person. We talk about school and friends and boys and parties and just about everything that I talk about with my friends here. When I visit France next year with the People to People Organization, I hope to see her.

Twilight

I heard that the Twilight movie will be out on DVD here on March 21st. When the Twilight movie came out in theaters, I was excited to see it because I had read the book. I was even more excited to see it because some of my favorite actors and actresses are in it, including Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. They did an amazing job, as I had expected. I was not surprised when a rediculous amount of merchandise came out in stores for the movie. I never buy that stuff, the movie is enough for me. Robert Pattinson was perfect for playing Edward Cullen, his eyes are mezmerizing! It's too bad that he can't get a girlfriend. Supposedly he said that girls just won't commit to a relationship with him. I've never been a crazy fan of any particular moviestar, singer, or any celebrity for that matter, not even the Jonas Brothers. I think it's kind of silly. I want to smack those girls who turned him down, he seems like such a nice guy, very talented too. He is a singer and guitar player, I think. He sang a song in the movie and I didn't know it was him at first, but then I recognized his voice. You can listen to it if you would like, it's the first song on my play list to the right of this article. If I ever got lucky enough to meet him and talk to him, I would definitely give him a chance. He is five years older than me, but I still would. I have a bit of a soft spot for nice guys hehe!

When I Think Of You ♥

Sometimes when I think of you
My weak heart skips a beat.
Your eyes a perfect shade of blue
They knock me off my feet.

You look at me and I look back,
But shyly look away.
The memory fades into black
And ends another day.

Your face is on my mind tonight.
It's lit up by your smile.
It makes my room feel warm and bright.
It makes this all worthwhile.

So sometimes when I think of you,
And lay under the sun
I pray to God you love me too.
We've only just begun.

I Just Had the Strangest Morning...

I don't know how and I don't know why, but when I woke up at 10:00 this morning, I decided to make today a very good day for myself by doing a series of activities that I never, ever do without being hassled and pushed to do, which usually involves me whining and complaining, but still doing what I was asked. I got up and decided to start a diet because for a few years now, I felt that I was overweight. I'm 5'8" and I weigh 140 lbs. which is supposedly a healthy weight for my height. Frankly, I'm not convinced it's healthy because I'm a little bit more "filled out" in places I would rather not be. I concocted a workout plan for myself to do daily and a list of foods that I can and cannot eat. I'm figuring that if I make myself look better than I do now and much healthier, my fragile self-esteem will get an extra boost, too. I had a nonfat yogurt and an orange for breakfast to replace the usual bacon and eggs with pancakes and I baked a couple douzen cookies to practice resisting the urge to be a pig and stuff my face. It was a good idea I think because now my mom is in a good mood because my cookies are amazing hehe! To add to the weirdness, I grabbed a Swiffer duster and danced around the house dusting everything in sight. That's also a pretty good thing because now the house is clean and my parents have a clean house and cookies. I think they're just glad that I made myself useful. I think all the pain and depression from last night made a change in me. Hopefully this will last because it feels so good to clean and bake and organize and make plans to make my life so much better. If he wants to ignore me, that's fine, but I won't let this bother me. I'll just continue my extremely strange morning in peace and enjoy the feeling while it lasts.

The Best of Friends?

Tonight I went to see some old friends who live in a town close to us. We have not seen or spoken to this family in several years and I guess they just decided to get together and catch up on things. They originally lived on my street and moved about five years ago. They have a daughter who is Rachel's age, a daughter who is Ryan's age, and a son who is my age. Their son and I used to play together all the time when we were little, but we grew apart when he moved away. He'd been my friend for a long time, in fact, he was my very first friend and we were inseparable. When I went to see him tonight, I was very excited to see him. I wanted so badly to catch up on things and talk to him like we used to. When I walked in, I saw a stranger sitting next to him. I found out right then and there that he had a girlfriend that he had been going out with for 2 years. I found that as the night drifted on, I was not going to get the chance to talk with him the way I wanted to, just like old times, best friends. He ignored me and didn't say ten word to me the whole night. Instead, he hung out with his girlfriend and avoided any conversation. I know that I should've been a little more social and chatted with them both, but it was very awkward with a lot of silence. I came to see him and talk to him, not listen to him and his girlfriend giggle in the basement. She was very nice, but was it necessary for her to be there when we came to see them for the first time in three years? She just didn't belong there at the time, it was just strange and kind of rude. I don't think I'll ever get to talk to him seriously and the way I want to ever again. I can't believe this.

I Think I'm Sorta Kinda Maybe in Love

Well, obviously something sparked inside my heart and cupid decided to do a full intervention into my love life. I first felt the sting of his arrow freshman year when I noticed a guy staring at me from across the crowded cafeteria at lunch time. Also, he magically seems to be in my line of sight all the time and he always ends up in the same places that I am. I had always liked him to an extent, even though were only just acquaintences. it's been three years and I still can't tell if he likes me or not. I've had a strong gut feelings since I first saw him, but I just don't understand why he would like me when there are so many other girls that would be more than happy to go out with him. He's funny, charming, really nice, and really cute! Whatever he sees in me, I'm just glad that he saw it in the first place. I'm 17 years old and I've never been in love like this before. I've had crushes in the past, but never one like this. We have so much in common and I've finally found someone who I want to be with. He still looks at me every time I see him, but I've never done this before so I'm not sure how to go about doing this. What if it's only been my imagination that he's been watching and thinking of me...for the past three years? It seems so silly that I'm so worried, but I just want to talk to him and get to know him without seeming too forward about it, be subtle, you know? The problem is that I am rediculously shy. What the heck would I say to him? I don't want to intimidate him or freak him out by instantly jumping to a relationship. I don't know him and he doesn't know me, so how do I find out for sure if he likes me before I make a move without being all weird and awkward about it? I'm in love and there's nothing I can do about it.

Guitar is Good for the Soul ♥

Among my amazing presents that I received for Christmas, my beautiful Blueridge acoustic guitar stands out from everything else, and for good reasons. It has to be the most beautiful guitar I have ever seen in my life, and it's all mine. It's basically the love of my life hehe! I've been playing it nonstop since the day I got it and I must say, it's quite relaxing. It feels good to play it, like I'm somewhere else. The world disappears around me and I go into a pleasant trance, completely taken over by the beautiful sound that resonates in the body of the guitar. It's my escape from the anxiety and stress that make up every minute of my life, except when I'm writing and spilling the contents of my mind into these articles. No limits, no interruptions, no cares about making mistakes in a song or improvisions. It's a great idea for those of us who claim that we are patient people, but can't sit still to meditate or stop to think for more than five minutes. It weaves itself into your soul and makes you feel so much better than you did before you touched the strings.

Little Genius or Devil Spawn?

If you asked any of my friends to describe me in three words, most of them would probably say this: "mature, tired, but also fun to be around." This is probably because my answers to most questions are, well, entertaining to them (and, on average, i get approximately 4 hours of sleep a night so I look like hell pretty much every morning). It's nothing new to me because people always tell me how different I was growing up. When I was eighteen months old, I woke up one night in my crib and decided it was time to redecorate. I stood up, ripped the picture off the wall by my crib, frame and all, and slung it like a frisbee across the room at the opposite wall. I refused to drink out of a sippy cup, I could make pancakes and omlets for breakfast by the time I was eight, I thought Barney was a masochistic idiot whose show has no entertainment value whatsoever. I was more than happy to hide the TV remote when my parents tried to make me sit throught the torturous show. Eventually, my parents figured out that I was smarter than that, especially when I was in third grade. Our class had to write an essay on what we wanted to be when we grew up, obviously a typical topic discussed by children. Where the other kids wrote about wanting to be Firefighters and Presidents and Moviestars and Veterinarians or other fantasies, I wrote a well written paper about my plans to become a surgeon, make redicuous amounts of money, and spend it on yachts and cars while drinking margaritas on a beach in the Caribbean. Not very realistic for this time in my life, but i suppose it was a phase. Sometimes I wonder if I was a little genius with the maturity of a typical adult or the devil spawn who wanted Barney to burn in hell for being a bad influence on me. Maybe I have him to thank for this. His stupid voice and corny songs probably brainwashed me and softened my bitter little temper. Hmm...

Beginnings

I grew up in a tiny little house on a tiny little street on the outskirts of a very large neighborhood. I have a younger sister named Rachel and an older brother named Ryan, which, as I'm sure you've already figured out I hope, squishes me in between as the dreaded "Middle Child" of the family. I'm loved enough, I guess. They pay for me to do what i like, they let me have friends over, and as an added bonus, they care about me to a certain extent. I think about the whole Middle Child Syndrome thing from time to time, but I have to admit that it's probably just my subconcious excuse for my problems when i'm having a bad day or something. I just have to tell myself to suck it up and be tough about it. I have a great family, friends who love me, a reasonable level of intelligence to decide the right decisions for myself...what the heck am I complaining about? Honestly, sometimes I have no idea.

Introductions

This isn't the first blog I've ever made. I will speak the truth about everything and I won't say anything that i wouldn't tell a stranger, I guess. Especially since everyone who reads this is a complete stranger to me. However, that does not mean I don't trust you to a certain degree. There's some honesty in this world, I think. I've already forgotten the reason i created this little blog of mine, but i suspect the purpose it will serve is to document memories of my life and share them with whoever is interested in learning about me...like a story, I suppose. I'm no professional writer. I'm a lazy highschool student, for Lord's sake. I barely gets B's in Honors Classes except in my simple elective classes like Gym and Guitar, where you get A's as long as you give some form of effort. Regardless, I love to write, so excuse my lack of effort in distinguishing my amazing personal writing style. Hmm... maybe i should just start with the basics. You'll know more about me soon enough.